Just my thoughts for the week

I was thinking last week that I’ve had nothing to blog about. Life is life and it’s been overall good. Aside from the boys knocking over our external hard drive and breaking it beyond repair, we’ve been ok. The hospital had been relatively slow as well. I was thinking that I had learned how to deal with the patients there, taking care of them but staying emotionally distant so I don’t spend every day in tears. But I haven't.

I often think about the mother I wrote about weeks ago whose baby died soon after her c-section. That case was really difficult for me. But I have quickly learned that I can’t get so attached to the women. I mean, since her baby died, there have been countless other women who have lost their babies. One day about two weeks ago, there wasn’t a baby delivered that lived until the middle of the night when there were two c-sections. So I think it was about 5 women- THAT ONE DAY- who lost their babies. If I got emotionally attached to each of them, I wouldn’t survive. I’d spend each day sitting at the bedside of a mother and that would be about it. I’m not trying to say in any way that I shouldn’t care for them, I just can’t be overcome by their situations. Multiple other babies have died in the last few weeks. We sent one baby home to die who we think had down’s syndrome with a heart defect that is common with down’s. He would have had to live to make it to Bamako to see if he could get on the list of the 50 patients per year who are chosen to have surgery in France. The parents couldn’t afford it and the baby couldn’t make it without oxygen so they just took him home to die. Another baby who had some problem, not totally sure what the issue was, stayed in the hospital for over a week and then died. He seemed to have a severe milk allergy or food allergy to something the mom ate along with lung issues. Despite making sure he got adequate nutrition, he died. As sad as all these cases are, I did well handling them all. I prayed with many of the moms mentioned in my terrible Bambara, but besides that, I tried to stay a bit aloof. So I was feeling like I could handle working at the hospital. But then there was this week. I’m not totally sure what got me about these patients, but they did. I saw a little girl, a year and a half, who we diagnosed with HIV. Her mother had delivered at our hospital and I think from the story I heard, was told she had HIV and not to give her milk to her baby. But that was all we did. (Thankfully, now we treat our HIV women better so they and the baby get more care). She eventually died. I met with the father of the child and he said the child before the one with HIV also got sick and died. It just makes me angry that people won’t tell others of their illness so all it does is pass it to others. If this mom had gotten treatment when she was first diagnosed, she could have possibly saved the lives of both of her children and herself. But instead, they choose to keep it a secret and because they cannot see the effects of the illness (until it is too late), they choose to do nothing. Have another kid, spread the illness. That poor little girl. She probably will die. She’s been sick a lot of her life (she was seen at our vaccination clinic so how did we miss all this? It wasn’t until this visit this week that the lady who brought her finally mentioned that she wasn’t actually the mother- that the mother had died…that would have been some helpful information to mention months earlier…). So frustrating.

Then a little 4 year old girl came in with 2^nd degree burns on about 8% of her body. A cooking pot had fallen on her. She is so precious. I was in the room as they changed her dressings yesterday. She was just crying (she was given medication) and holding tightly to her daddy. You don’t see dads here really caring for their kids. That was what got me. Her daddy was her comfort. He was rubbing her head and talking to her sweetly. It was so precious. Thankfully, it looks like she will heal well. We shall see…

And then there is a little twin that was just born whose belly was really big. We didn’t know what the problem was but they decided to take the baby to surgery yesterday. His intestines were shrunken down and he couldn’t pass his meconinum stool. Thankfully, that was easily fixable and it looks like he will do ok. But yesterday, as we were waiting for the surgery, thinking he probably would die, I just kept rubbing his little head and putting his paci in his mouth so he would stop crying. I’m always overwhelmed by the moms’ reactions to their dying babies. They just stay aloof, not trying to get attached. I just think, if it was my baby, I’d be holding him as much as possible, loving him as best I could for the time he was here. But they just don’t do it. But I guess if their life is always like we see at the hospital, constant death of their children, then I guess your heart just can’t handle that attachment. I mean, one of the ladies I saw this week just gave birth to her 6^th child. But 4 had died. (2 were born dead and 2 died shortly after). I mean, how could you cope if you truly grieved as we do in the States a loss of a child if you’ve lost 4 children? I’m not judging these women, I’m just amazed at how they handle these situations.

The next story is the one that has probably rocked my world the most. Not because of the case itself but because it brings out my constant struggle with fear. This 13 year old girl was bitten by a snake. She had gotten one vile of anti-venom in her village (where we have a clinic) but that wasn’t enough. So five days later, she shows up at our hospital very sick. We gave her two more viles of anti-venom along with several other medications and she is now doing well. But what gets me is realizing that snakes are really around. Jeremie said he saw a snake crossing the road the other evening near our home. Apparently they come out this time of year when it rains. I know that I would be a fearful person in the States, but I feel like the ability to live under the false sense that you are in control is a lot easier to do in the States than here. I am much more keenly aware that circumstances are outside of my control here than when I am in the US. I can’t just put up a sign on our gate that says “no snakes allowed” and while I’m at it “no malaria infected mosquitoes” or anything else that could harm us. And though I know that most of these cases we see at the hospital are because they didn’t get the proper care, and that our kids would, it still makes me fear. I’ve started doing the read through the Bible in a year. I like it because it lays out the passages for me each day. Though I often don’t make it through what I’m supposed to in one day, I like having it there before me to tackle the next day. Anyway, I’ve just started this so I’m in Genesis and Matthew, along with Psalms and Proverbs. I like how often the passages relate to one another. Before the snake bite girl came in, I read how Abraham offered his son on the altar. Then Psalm 10: 9 "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you". And Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight". So though I didn’t handle the snake bite well at first, it provided me an opportunity to put these verses into action. Abraham really had to believe in these truths to be willing to give his son up on the altar. His son through whom the Lord had promised to give children as numerous as the stars in the sky. But He trusted the Lord. Whether the Lord was going to take his son, raise him from the dead or whether he was going to provide a lamb, he did what the Lord asked trusting that He would do what He had promised. I think there could be nothing worse than loosing Brett or the boys. Yet, I know in my head that the Lord would be sufficient and that He would provide what I needed. I know that He would be enough. I wish I was just convinced of that in my heart of hearts so that I didn’t have to fear. I want to trust my family to the Lord. To fully believe that He loves them more than I do and He is watching over them. He can see all things, He is in total control. I’m not. He is a better protector than I could ever hope to be. My kids are safer in His hands than mine. I can’t see in the bushes if there is a snake, I can’t see which mosquito bites my kid that could give them malaria, I can’t see what parasites are in the dirt they play in or the water they drink that could make my kids sick. But He can. He is Sovereign over all things. And though I wish that meant my kids would always be safe, I know this is not what He promises. I know He promises to keep in perfect peace those who trust in Him, but it’s not a peace from trouble, it’s a peace knowing He is with us. So I must resolve myself once again to lay my children in His hands and let him take care of them. And I must be willing to say as Shadrach, Meshach and Abendigo,”If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve IS ABLE to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But EVEN IF HE DOES NOT, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”(Dan 3: 17-18) In my case, it is serving the god of fear. I must trust and believe that He is worth it. That I shouldn’t sacrifice to my Lord that which costs me nothing. He gave his life for me to live, I should be willing to give mine and the lives of my children to him. If I can ever wrap my head around this and really in the depths of myself believe that He is good and He is my children’s protector and that He is working all things for our good (not for our safety and ease) then I guess that’s when I’ll be delivered from all my fears. I’m still claiming it and believe that He can do it. I am just keenly aware at times like this that it will definitely be a miracle when it happens. I am a huge work in progress. I’m so glad he doesn’t give up on me.

Ok, sorry for that long ramble.