More thoughts on the job of mom

I mentioned before about learning how to be content in my role as mom and just be patient in the here and now of it all. Just thought I'd add a few more thoughts on it that have challenged me lately.

James 1:3-8, 12

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

I have thought of this verse many times (who hasn't?) but never in the context of just persevering in the "trials" small as they may be in raising children. My kids really are showing me my sin each day and the areas that I must give over to the Lord. I've heard people say that their kids completed them. I don't know about completion, but they sure send me on the road toward sanctification. They are good boys, wonderful boys, but they are boys and little ones at that. They require time and energy. But they are sweet. It is me and my sin that often causes the problems. I do hope to persevere so that I won't be lacking, so I can be mature and complete.

Also, in this book, "Walk with me today, Lord" is a quote by Kenneth Kirk--

"Worship depends not upon our own activities, but upon the activities which God brings to bear upon us; to them we are forced to react as worshipers."

I love this and I know I've mentioned this idea before (that my worship to the Lord is in serving my kids and taking care of them even in the middle of the night) but I just wish I could really grasp it and live it out. What a beautiful idea. I want to serve my children in love. I want my role in caring for them to be my worship and I want my worship to be pleasing to Him.

Ok, I must be off to play with those boys that I'm writing about...

I don't have a title

I know that when I go the devotions in the morning with all the staff and half the missionaries aren't there that something bad is happening with a patient. Today was one of those days. I noticed that the A/C for the OR wasn't running so there wasn't a surgery going on, but Brett was sitting there so it wasn't a peds case either. It was in fact a lady in labor. She actually was an HIV lady who we followed (not one of "my" ladies but one that Dan followed because she started coming before I was working with them) at the hospital. She came to all 9 prenatal visits. She was healthy and doing well. Sure, she had HIV, but she was faithfully taking her medicine, she was doing well. But a moment of ignorance cost her her life. She started laboring last night but because it wasn't progressing as fast as she or her family wanted, she took traditional medicine. Whatever they use is potent. It's like pitocin/oxytocin but much stronger so the labor rapidly progresses, often too fast for the baby and mother. This time it was no different. She went from 3 cm to all of the sudden being 10 cm and shot the baby out and then apparently had a stroke. So that's what all our missionaries were working on this morning- trying to save a woman's life. One ignorant mistake. How sad to see a woman just lying lifeless on the delivery bed. That bed is for bringing life INTO the world, not to take it out. There's a baby, but no mother. No mother to care for 4 children. A healthy woman dead because of ignorance. One stupid choice. It's so frustrating. It doesn't have to be that way. Why couldn't she have just been patient? So I watched her family come and grieve over her and take the body away. I showed them the baby boy that was on oxygen but doing well, laying alone in his crib without a mother around. I watched family and friends cry over the baby and then other members take them away to stop the crying. I have to remind myself, as do all the other missionaries, that we do make a difference. Lives are saved each day because of the hospital. Like my first real resuscitation last week with Brett. The baby didn't breathe for 10 minutes. We did CPR and were about to give up but then he finally took a breath. He went home with no problems. And then just yesterday I watched a lady whose baby was breech and the foot had already delivered be saved through a c-section. (If it wasn't too graphic of a picture, I would have taken it, but I tell you it is the weirdest thing to see a foot just sticking out of a woman's body). She had lost her last two babies. But because she came to our hospital, we were able to help and save her life and her baby. Otherwise, they would have just died. But still, the sting of watching a lady die a senseless death is hard to take. And as if this wasn't enough, moments later another woman passed away. She had come in the day before with high blood pressure. I think she had a stroke as well. She was never right but this morning just stopped breathing. So I watched her family come and cover her and take care of her body. I was just drawn to these families and watched them. I kept looking at the little baby with no one around him. I didn't do my job well this morning. I just kind of walked around looking at these families. I was shocked. Not over these cases alone, but because a lady I had talked to yesterday whom we diagnosed with HIV died in the night. She was sick, I'm sure she already had AIDS, but she wasn't THAT sick. We talked to her husband yesterday and told him that she was positive. This was actually a christian family. Not sure how she got HIV, maybe from a needle at some point in life, who knows, but she had it. Her husband, thankfully, tested negative. So yesterday we tell him his wife (who has 4 kids 8 and under) has HIV, he should be tested because he might have it. I saw the fear in his eyes and the urgency to have the test. Then he was relieved to know it was negative. But then just hours later, learns that his wife is dead. She just spiked a fever and within hours died. She was going to go home yesterday. I mean, she was sick, but like I said, not that sick. But she died. At least she gave her husband the gift of being honest with him and letting him know what she had which 95% of the women don't do. Now he can get his kids checked as well. Now he knows he is negative. Now he knows why his wife really died. This family more than most is also really challenging my views of HIV. I'm not going to lie I'm not great in my attitude toward them. Not in my actions, but in my inner core, I often feel subconsciously that they did this to themselves. Or at least I used to. Like even though they say they didn't sleep around (or used needles), I think they must have in order to get HIV. At least I felt that way in the States. This thought has changed more with working with ladies here because so often they are the victim of promiscuous men. But this family, I believe, were both faithful. They were Christians. I don't know how she got it. It is thought that a lot of people get it from places reusing needles. Who knows. That's just unfair. And regardless of how they get it, they are shunned if people find out. I often get so frustrated with the women because they refuse to tell their husbands. I think, you are just spreading the disease- help a little and at least tell your partner! But then I watched this lady today whom I have followed since she was 28 weeks pregnant and now has a 2 month old baby. She is skinny and in the pastor's office crying because now that her husband knows of her illness and knows he is negative, he is neglecting her and the baby. He won't help, he won't support her. She is relying on family for food and everything. So sad. No wonder they don't want to tell people. I know I'm slightly in a ramble here but I want to add this since it's been on my mind. I've been convicted lately of my attitude toward all the poor, but especially these women, in reading James 2. "My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism. Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet," have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? But you have insulted the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court? Are they not the ones who are slandering the noble name of him to whom you belong?" I want to see them as God sees them. I want to see the dirty kids that come up to me and try to touch us the way the Lord does. I want to honor these people and lift them up. One missionary told me once as we were surrounded by dirty sick kids that you have the mixed emotions of having pity on them and disgust to having being around them. I so often feel that way. But I don't want to. I don't want to give special attention (or any attention) to those who are cleaner and better dressed. I want to lift them up. I don't know how this all really looks in reality because for the sanity of life you couldn't talk and interact with every poor person on the street. You'd have millions at your door everyday if you did. But I just want to have a better attitude I guess- what people can't see. My inner thoughts. I want to truly love them, not feel disgust for them. I want to want to touch them, or at least be ok with touching them. I don't know. Brett often talks about how when Jesus said "Let the little children come to me" it must have been a one time thing to show as an example because if kids in Bible times were like kids in Mali, it would be a huge sacrifice to let them come to you and you couldn't do it all the time or you'd be overwhelmed. So who knows what this will all look like but more than anything, I want a change of heart. I want to love on my HIV women well. I want to be kind to everyone. I want to show the love of Christ with whom I come in contact.

Finally some pictures

This was from the ride taking my parents back to Bamako. Everyone was pooped.

While in Bamako, we went to the "zoo" with friends. I must admit it was nicer than I expected. The whole place stunk of urine. I noticed a large wet spot right outside the lion's cage. I was thinking it was from the rain but then realized it was from the pipe coming from the lion's cage. Yup, they just let the pee run out so you can walk through it. I guess that's all part of the experience. Here is the gorilla. He would do tricks only if you gave him an orange drink. Something tells me this wouldn't fly in an american zoo.

The boys enjoying a snack as we watched the lion and gorilla.

And as promised, here are pictures from our trip a few weeks ago to the pig farm to celebrate (a second time) Silas' birthday.

Dawson and Daddy on their hike.

The birthday cake with the #1 candle. I forgot matches. oops. But they enjoyed it anyway.

I had to help both boys with their cake and ice cream.

I just love eating pictures, don't know why.

Yummy chocolate ice cream

Building a dam.

Brotherly love...but not too lovey- this is as close as they got. Don't worry, there were no kisses exchanged.

Swimming in the water thanks to the dam they made.

It looks a lot deeper than it was.

Dawson laying in the waterfall.

We must enjoy the simple pleasures in life. The boys thought building the dam and swimming in dirty brown water was about as good as it could get.

Some pics of Mommy and Silas

And Daddy and Silas. :)

Daddy did this.

And then the proof that there really is grass on our roof.

Dawson looks like he's taking the ball in for a touchdown.

The plague

Brett and have been so tired this weekend. He took a 2 ½ hr nap yesterday, we went to bed before 9 and then I took over an hour nap today and Brett slept for 30 minutes or so. We’ve been taking turns sleeping in to the late hour of 7 or going back for a nap for the one who has gotten up early. I told him today as I couldn’t bring myself to get up, that I felt like we had the plague to which he replied, “we have had the plague at the hospital.” We are in full swing of malaria season and it is truly like a plague- killing one kid after another. We had to add beds to each pediatric room because we had so many patients and even still we are overflowing and trying to send kids home everyday so we have space. The best peds nurse was on vacation the first two weeks of September which added insult to injury. He was supposed to be gone all month but Brett called him in his village and asked him to come back early since we were dying. And thankfully, he came. I think that’s the difference between America and Mali. Americans would not want to give up their vacation and would be angered to be bothered while on it. But the Malians take so much pride in the work they do and feeling needed that I really think he was totally ok with it and in a way felt honored that his work was so crucial that we begged him to come back early from vacation. This was the first week, at least by the end of it, which we felt like our heads were above water. Add to this, three kids at home, and it makes you tired. We have two more days off for the end of Ramadan and Malian Independence Day so hopefully we can rest more, even though we will be working those days. We shall see.

If you want to read a great blog on the subject of malaria and what it has been like lately, you should read Jake Tillet’s blog. Jtsoverseas.blogspot.com It’s great. Jake is a nurse who worked in the ICU before coming here. He has been a life saver. Not only is he willing to do whatever anyone asks of him, but he has agreed to take on a huge role in peds since Stephany didn’t show up and left us without a second pediatrician. He is great. He’s wanted to be overseas since he was young and it is obvious. He has a heart for missions and the lost. He engages everyone and is devoted to intentionally knowing all the staff. He makes visits to homes on the weekends. It’s great. I wish our lives permitted that at this point. He is a real missionary, the real deal. Not just living here to help the sick, but to know the people and share in their lives. I think of I Thes 2:8 when I think of him. "We love you so much that we delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God, but our lives as well." Anyway, we are so stinkin’ thankful that Jake is here. He is carrying the peds burden with us, taking call so Brett doesn’t have to be on every night. Anyway, please take a look at his blog. He has a great post (any many others- he seems to have a way with words and capturing the humor in our daily situations here).

In the meantime...

I plan to post pictures of our time at the "pig farm" a couple weekends ago but that will take some time so in the meantime, here's what we've been up to...

Dawson has been wanting to take walks lately which means I end up pushing all of them in the stroller. Three kids in a stroller meant for one. What's funny to me is all the looks we get. Not that we have three kids in a one person stroller, that's normal to overload anything and everything with people, but that we are just pushing a stroller at all and white kids are in it. Let me tell you pushing 90 plus pounds on horrible roads with flat tires (didn't realize they were so flat until we were out) is not easy. Though it is surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly) easier than pushing ONE kid in the stroller and having to watch the other two walking on the roads. Dawson was always 20 feet ahead and Kenan 20 feet behind. Thanks to some kind Malians we safely made it to our destination.

But don't worry friends, I always have my heroes to take care of me and fight off danger. And maybe they'll help themselves when they fall off the table since their mom is taking their picture like that instead of telling them to get down. :)

Somehow this got stuck on Kenan's eye. Looks funny.

And this is what happens when you leave your newly one year old with his 2 and 4 year old brothers for a minute. I was relieaved to realize it was just marker and not blood.

And one quote that I hope doesn't offend people. A long time ago, Dawson had gone potty and his underwear had a little poopy in it and I told him that they didn't smell good, we needed to change them. Well, ever since then, he always asks (every single time) after he goes to the bathroom for us to smell his underwear. What a lovely job, as if wiping his bottom isn't enough. Well, yesterday Brett had the joy of doing that job and was asked the normal question if the underwear smells to which he replied "no." Dawson says, "When I ask mommy if my underwear smells, sometimes she says yes and sometimes she says no, but you always say no, daddy. why is that?" Because he's a guy, Dawson, that's why. :)

Some pictures

I uploaded some pictures on facebook. It took forever so I'm not even going to attempt to upload them here.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=101120&id=821999346&l=7e3962a573

To finish talking about their trip. It was great to have them here. It's nice for them to be around even if we do nothing. But we did get a lot done. They worked and sorted at the hospital. They played with the boys. They taught them how to swim more (or properly). They painted my kitchen. They helped me decide to close in our back porch. This allows me to move our washer there so there is more room in the bathroom. We had lots of fun. My parents are awesome. I can drop the kids on them at any moment and ask them to do anything and they will do it. They are true servants. It's such a blessing. I love having them around. I think it's good for them to come as well. Each time they get more of a glimpse of our life here thus they understand us more, which is really nice. We are sad they are gone and look forward to seeing them soon. April isn't too far away! (We go home on furlough April through July 14th). Thankfully, we get a little more family love in December when my sister and her family come to visit. 5 kids in one house all under 4- should be fun. :)

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=101120&id=821999346&l=7e3962a573http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=101120&id=821999346&l=7e3962a573man

Heather Blanchard, Amy Evans and 2 others are mutual friends.

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You know you are in Africa when...

Kids play with rusty nails at church as if that is an acceptable toy. And while we're on church and knowing you're in Africa, the kids pee, poop, and throw up any and every where right outside the church.

The service is strangely NOT interrupted when a guinea fowl (like a mix between a chicken and turkey) comes in the church and starts screeching. One just quickly gets up and pushes it outside like nothing is abnormal.

The highlight of your week is hitting the boulangerie at the right time so you get your bread hot. It is SO good. I was talking to a friend the other day, it's like getting to Krispy Kreme right when the donuts are hot. It's great.

There are so many bugs in your rice that despite rincing it five times, they are still floating around as you cook it.

You have grass growing on the roof of your house but not in your yard.

Yes, I am alive

Between visitors, poor internet, sick kids, and craziness at the hospital (thus no Brett at home), blogging has not been on the list of to do's. But here's some thoughts I've been thinking about the last few weeks. Soon I hope to post pics from the rest of my parent's visit.

I’ve been thinking a lot about rest lately. I guess because I desire to have a lot of it but don’t often get it. It’s not like I go to bed late, it’s just the mornings come early. And every time I try to get up before the boys to make sure I have time with the Lord, they get up earlier. So I get up earlier. Then they get up earlier. So now I’m getting up at 5:30am (or trying to get up) to have time before they are up. But it is hard because I want my sleep. I was reading in this book, “Sacred Marriage” about how when you are single, you can spend hours in prayer and reading. That is your worship to the Lord. That can be when He shapes and molds you. But when you are married with kids, often what shapes your character and walk is the getting up in the middle of the night to help the crying child. It says that “marriage [esp with kids] calls us to an entirely new and selfless life.” I’ve been reflecting on that and how I should see the day in and day out small jobs of taking care of the kids as my worship to the Lord. As Colossians says, whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as if you are serving the Lord not men. I need that kind of focus. So one morning as I was up at the crack of dawn, I was praying and somewhat sarcastically saying, “man does not live on sleep alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.” But the next day I realized there was nothing sarcastic in this statement at all. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30

I love the image of coming to Him and finding rest, rest for my soul. Maybe not the physical rest I’m seeking, but He will give better and more sustaining rest, rest for my soul. I really must decide that His rest is more important than physical rest. I must trust him that even if I’m up in the middle of the night with the boys or if they wake ridiculously early in the morning, if I come to Him, He will give me rest.

Also read today in my Bible a quote from Barbara Johnson:

If we can keep our minds open to the blessings, humor and education in whatever happens to us-if we can set that little invisible radar dish on the top of our heads to constantly search for blessings instead of disasters- our lives will be enriched by the experiences we endure and we can grow from the calamities that fertilze our lives.

I like this quote. It’s really about my attitude. Am I going to choose to be thankful for the day the Lord has given me, regardless of the circumstances, or am I going to choose to complain about the inconveniences?

Since I’m speaking of quotes, I must mention one I read from the Prayer of Hannah blog on being a mom of 4 3 and under.

But I think so many times in life we miss out on the wonderful blessings that God has for us because we allow the god of comfort to slip his way into our lives. Is our life "comfortable" right now at this exact moment. Yes and no. It's extremely comfortable because we have a roof over our heads, food on the table, etc. But, no, it's not comfortable and full of ease the way a mom who has her kids a little more spaced out is right now. But, that wasn't God's plan for our lives. And like I said, his timing is amazing…I love being a mommy to my children because it teaches me to be selfless in ways that I could never have been otherwise. I am a naturally very independent person, and I am much more likely to give you the advice of pick yourself up and get on with it than I am to give you sympathy, so God uses the current ages of my children to remind me to have a heart of service…Oh, how I love my kids. I can't believe how precious they are, how they've taught me so many things, and turned my life into utter blissful chaos. I love it. Yes, others might call us crazy, but we love it - and it's just what God had for our family. There are moments of being overwhelmed, but in general I just remember - "this too shall pass" (thank you Suzi Brummett for those words of wisdom about having twins). The stressors of the moment pale in comparison to the riches of the day. What a joy and a blessing being a mom is.