And we're off

With just a bit more stress than normal in packing up the family to go across the ocean, we got ourselves together to head to Mali. I must say that I don't know how I'd do it without my mom. Her packing is amazing and helps so much. I say often if I had to do it all by myself I'd just stand and stare at all the mess, not accomplishing anything. But thanks to her we got on the airplane with just 20 pieces of luggage plus a car seat. (In case you are wondering, that was $1,800 in extra fees). 

The boys were all smiles. They had talked every. single. day. about Mali and asked when we were returning so when the day arrived they could hardly contain themselves. The adults were a bit more subdued. :) 

While Haven had already flown with Brett and I a few times, this was her first BIG adventure. She did really well. Actually, everyone did. Aside from a child throwing up hamburger and french fries in the sink of the French airport (which then I had to scoop out with my hands...sorry, is that too much information?) the trip went very smoothly.

We can pretend she stayed in the bassinet for more than two seconds. Would have been nice. While I was too afraid when Dawson was little that someone would steal him while we slept (thus I had him attached by a baby leash as he slept in front of me), I would have gladly let her sleep there. But there was none of that. And truthfully, I don't mind it too much. I mean, two or three hours in of a baby on my lap is a bit hard but it is in some ways very sweet and special.

We made it with all our luggage! Everyone was pretty happy.

We headed off to the zoo a couple days later. They have really improved it. Animals are in nice cages. While you can't get the gorilla to do tricks now by handing him an orange soda, it is probably better for the health of the animals. :) For some random reason they had this blow up slide there. Totally crazy but a lot of fun. The boys enjoyed Monkey Joe's while in the states so this was a fun treat to play on here.

The year in song

Songs were balm for my soul this year. There were many that encouraged me and a few that were so timely, so poignant that my whole body, from the hairs on my head to the tips of my toes, resonated in song. 

The first few months, in the times of pain and confusion, the song, "You have me" by Gungor truly spoke to my heart.

Out on the farthest edge

There in the silence

You were there

My faith was torn to shreds

My heart in the balance

But you were there

Always faithful

Always good

You still have me

You still have my heart

I thought I had seen the end

Everything broken

But you were there still

Always faithful

Always good

You still have me

You still have my heart

From April until August I listened to "Oceans" by Hillsong United like a broken record. It was Haven's lullaby, song many times in the wee hours of the night. It gave me strength to continue and courage to do whatever He calls me to, even when it doesn't make sense and the path is treacherous.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

And right before we left, after we received some discouraging news, my dear friend sent me “I shall not want” by Audrey Assad. The first time I heard the words, tears streamed down my face. It was as if my heart had just poured forth the words in song. I knew the words were true. I knew I needed to move forward with going back to Mali. As we were descending into Bamako, I sat quietly in the dark, Haven nestled in my chest asleep, and I listened to this song repeatedly, soft tears flowing this time, as it was the prayer of my heart for the road we were about to embark on. I can say that now, a few months into this journey that He has not left me wanting. There have been some difficult days, days in which I really longed for an ex-pat friend, but the overriding feeling has been gratefulness. I truly have lacked for nothing. He has provided abundantly.

From the love of my own comfort

From the fear of having nothing

From a life of worldly passions

Deliver me O God

From the need to be understood

From the need to accepted

From the fear of being lonely

Deliver me O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want

When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

From the fear of serving others

From the fear of death or trial

From the fear of humility

Deliver me O God

And I shall not want, no I shall not want

When I taste your goodness I shall not want

No, I shall not want, I shall not want

When I taste your goodness I shall not want.

Reflection

If I had to describe the year in two words they would be “painful” and “good”. 

There were so many moments of deep pain. Loss of friendships. Untruths spoken about us. Misunderstandings. People actively trying to keep us from Mali. Feelings of being betrayed, abandoned, cast aside. Being rejected again and again. Loss of trust. Loss of our home, our work, our town, our known life. Loss of more and more friendships. There were days we felt so beat down I didn’t know if we would and could go forward. Living in the unknown, honestly having no idea what we were going to do. The year was painful. I would venture to say one of the most, if not the most painful year of our lives.

But it was oh so good. I can’t look back on the year without being tremendously grateful. The Lord met us in our brokenness. The Lord is in fact close to the brokenhearted. He proved Himself once again to be our safe and ONLY haven. When man fails you, you see the faithfulness of God oh so much more. His grace is abounding. I am thankful for the pruning of this year, for the lessons learned and for a heart that is permanently changed.

Grace was a beautiful theme for me. I saw it in a whole new light. I’ve always known that we could do nothing for our salvation, that He loved us in our sinfulness, and that He came to heal the sick, not the healthy, but I often found myself trying to prove my worth. Cleaning myself up to present myself worthy of His grace. But that’s not it at all. His grace is free. His grace is for the sinner. His grace is for those who mess up, who are rejected, and who are unworthy. His grace is for me. No one can take that from me. I should not take it from others. We should extend grace to others with the same extravagance with which our Savior gives it to us. If we think, even subconsciously, that we had some part in our being accepted, then we are much more likely to judge the behaviors of others (at least I know this to be true in my own life). We feel like we can be critical of what one says or does and that we have some role to play in determining whether another’s actions are good or not. But we have no such position. Ours is only to accept the free gift He gives and to share it with others. We must also share it with ourselves each and every moment, remembering that we no longer stand condemned but free through the blood of Jesus. A friend of mine shared the book, “The Freedom of Self Forgetfulness” by Tim Keller with me and I love it. I am still trying to apply the truths of it to my heart. It is based on 1 Corinthians 4 "I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself." (vs 3) This is a profound statement. One I have never even come close to living out, especially the part of judging myself. As Keller explains, we take ourselves to the courtroom each and every day trying to prove our worth and righteousness, weighing our value and acceptance on how we are perceived by others or what we think of ourselves. But through the blood of Jesus we have no need to stand in the courtroom. The verdict is in. We are holy, worthy and justified by the blood of Jesus. This knowledge should spur us toward love and good deeds rather than doing good words in order to be accepted. Before this year whenever I heard the phrase that the Father says to Jesus, "Well done, my good and faithful servant," I always longed to live faithfully enough so I could hear those same words. It sounds holy enough. I wanted to be faithful so that the Lord would be pleased by me. I wanted to do what I needed to earn the right to hear, "Well done." I now realize that I had that all wrong. I already stand in this position. Because Jesus died for me and gave me His righteousness, the Father looks at me and says to me NOW, "Well done." There are no actions, good or bad, that can change this standing that I already possess in Jesus. I stand before the Lord clean and fully accepted. Through the sacrifice of Jesus, He sees me and says, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." Something I always thought I needed to earn is already laid in front of me by Jesus. Amazing. His grace is good. His grace is free. His grace leads me to action.

I planted flowers this spring as a memorial to remind me of what the Lord had done and to say goodbye to the past. After I dug up the soil I threw torn pieces of paper into it.

On the paper were hurts that I had forgiven and various people and things that I had to leave from my time in Koutiala.

That time of my life, the joys, pains and the blessings, was a season that was over. The Lord was calling us to new things and I needed to move forward.

I wanted the flowers to be a living testament to two things. One, that though the past was in fact the past, there were new things, new beauty to come. And two, that all the hurts we had experienced were laid at the cross and forgiven. They needed to stay there. I could not dig them back up again.

I truly am thankful for the past year. As hard as it was, it was also very sweet. It is a time that I Will look back upon as a defining time in my life, where the presence of the Lord was so very clear and near to me. It is a line in the sand kind of year; many changes occurred and things will never be the same. I am one of those things. I am forever changed with lessons and moments cemented into my soul. I am so very thankful.

Summer review in ipod pics

Having an ipod is great as you get to capture so many pictures at random times. They don't, however, get into my regular picture folder so here is a spring/summer recap via my iphone.

Sweet Haven

Trying out bows

the boys liked her more like a pirate

mandatory visit to the Yum Yum's: the best ice cream in the world.

At the lake

nothing cuter than a little babe in a pink polka dot bathing suit

learning to sit in Fl

sweet sleeper

hanging out with a boa at a friends' house in Charleston

Silas lost his first tooth!!

He left that tooth until it was hanging on by a thread. He refused to pull it or let us pull it. He avoids pain, or potential pain, at any cost. So he was brushing his teeth and I think the toothbrush barely touched the tooth and that was enough for it to fall out. The second tooth followed shortly after in the same kind of way. His permanent teeth were already coming in so it was good that they came out. Thanks to his big brothers he knows there is no such thing as a tooth fairy. I tried to leave him money anyway but he never looked for it in the morning and didn't really care when I told him to do it. So I guess that's nice, my days of paying for teeth are over...unless the boys keep it a secret from H when she is older.
It is truly interesting to see the differences in personality of my kids simply in the way they respond to their teeth. Dawson, from the moment he realizes a tooth is loose, will wiggle it until he gets it out. Kenan doesn't work on wiggling teeth too much but will pull them without much thought or worry.
Silas will avoid touching the loose tooth and will let no one come near it until it falls out.

we hung out with our old friend, Andy

 the cousins meeting H for the first time, in the airport

matching girls

The johnny jumper is hard work.

                          Eating rice cereal for the first time. A little older than 4 months. She enjoyed it and took to eating very well. She was definitely ready for it.

hanging out with my sleeping buddy who wasn't sleeping...good thing she's cute

The girls went to a painting class...I tried to throw the painting away afterwards, which the boys would not allow. They said my painting was amazing and "should be in a museum." When I disagreed with this, D said, "If your painting wouldn't be in a museum, I want to go and see what is in a museum." K also told me it was better than the Mona Lisa. :) I  love my boys.

nerf fighting

playing in the rain, making a dam.

more smiles from a non sleeping baby

last minecraft game together

At the airport when the Pinhos left. We were stuck there a long time as they went with 16 70 lb bags and could only have 15 50 lb bags. I was on kid patrol. They ate a lot of chips and oreos from the store. It was an expensive trip to the airport. :)

After the Pinhos left, our packing began. Oh the joys horror.

H helped us pack...or at least kept us entertained.

Daddy's girl

Intently listening to the sermon by JD at The Summit