This week

I came outside the other day and the three were sitting like this talking and eating popcorn. I wish I could have caught them talking. It was cute to see them hanging out and talking like big boys.

There are tons of praying mantises around now. Kenan is holding his eye because the mantis was walking all over him, including his face, and walked on/beside/too near to his eye.

It's on his head.

These aren't actually from this week, but I wanted to post them. Playing in the sprinkler.

I just liked the lighting.

So this week:

I cut my hand with a knife. Really, I jabbed the knife into my hand in the area between my thumb and pointer finger. This has caused me to be one handed this week. Never knew how much I used my left hand. Can’t open sippy cups, fill up waters, put on diapers, take a shower and many other things without pain and difficulty. Hopefully it will heal soon.

Dawson finished his first week of school. I think it went well. He seemed to enjoy it. I wouldn’t know since he won’t tell me what he does. J I definitely have boys. We have had the issues of restarting school, though. He’s been a little more moody, tired, and a bit difficult. As Brett says, he has to be good at school, so he does it as long as he can and then he has to let loose at home. I was a bit surprised at how him starting school made me feel. As I drove away one day I was struck that this was the start of his schooling experience. He’s in the class alone and unless more people come, he will always be. The next closest in age will be Kenan. I had the thought of feeling bad for him because he won’t have a “real” experience at school. I’ve thought of this before, but now that he had actually started, the thought was more difficult for me to handle. I had to remind myself that this will be all he will ever know and it will be his “real” school. He won’t be deprived by being there. I’m not neglecting him. It’s just different, not bad. I think his experience is really dependent on my attitude toward it. Do I think it’s good? Do I act like it is a fun place and a great experience? Actually, I think the boys are pretty lucky. I mean, they get to live in a different culture and experience many different things while still getting many of the comforts of America. They aren’t missing out on much at all really. Family and maybe some more kid interaction, but they do have each other. They get to grow up learning different languages and seeing a life different than theirs. Like yesterday, D went up to the hospital with Brett to see a girl who has been there for 2 months with Tuberculosis and heart failure. They’ve played with burn kids at the hospital and other kids. I think it’s good for them. They get to meet the kids their daddy helps. That’s a special experience for them.

Kenan has also had to deal with D at school. Three days this means he has room time alone because D has school in the afternoon. It has not gone well. He enjoys his brother. They act like they don’t like room time but I think they do. I think they really have fun together. So we’re trying to get K used to playing without D.

Silas has been potty training and actually done really well. We’ve been doing a little here and there but last Saturday I tried to be more intentional about it. The last three days he runs over and tells me when he has to go pee pee, even if he is wearing a diaper. We’ve only had two accidents which were both while he was outside playing so I guess he was distracted. I’m feeling good that the years of diapers may soon be over. I must say that there is nothing cuter than a little chubby bum bum in underwear. I’ve put in an order for his bed so maybe once that is done (in a few months) we will tackle sleeping in a big boy bed.

This week I’ve also wanted to reread “So Long Insecurity,” “Don’t make me count to three,” “The heart of Anger” and “Youniquely Woman.” I’ve felt like a failure in so many things. I often feel like I’m not training my kids as I should, that they aren’t as well behaved as they should and many other things. I hate seeing the sin of anger in them since I know it comes straight from me. I pray so often that the Lord would heal me of it before the boys are old enough to remember me as a mom who is quick to anger. I do see improvements, praise the Lord, but there is much left to do. I am also annoyed how I see insecurity plague so many areas of my life. I didn’t consider myself an insecure person 5 years ago but I am now. It was great reading the book by Beth Moore this summer. Really opened my eyes to how much I let insecurity rule me. Comments people make that have nothing to do with me can change my behavior or make me feel insecure about what I do. Or thinking about what I wear so that the 11 yo and 13 yo who have to ride in my car to school will think I’m cool. I’m almost too embarrassed to write that. It’s silly and I don’t like it. I want to be free of it. I’ve just been burdened this week by my failures. I’ve been listening a lot to Chris Tomlin. Two songs speak how I feel. One line is “You know the depths of my heart and you love me the same. You are amazing God.” That does amaze me. He knows me completely, my failures, my insecurity, my anger and He loves me still. Another song is “Your grace is enough for me.” Praise the Lord for His grace. His grace that set me free to live with him and the grace that sets me free each day. The grace, that if I surrender to him, He gives freely. When I lay my failures at His feet He can turn those to triumphs. For His glory, not mine.

Makes me think of my reading in Streams in the Desert, September 12.

A man talks of a prayer he once heard at a prayer meeting…

“Lord, support us! Yes, support us on every leaning side!” … This humble man’s prayer pictured them in a new way and illustrated the Great Supporter in a new light, as well. He saw God as always walking alongside the Christian, ready to extend His mighty arm to steady the weak on “every leaning side.”

Child of My love, lean hard,

And let Me feel the pressure of your care;

I know your burden, child. I shaped it;

Balanced it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion

In its weight to your unaided strength,

For even as I laid it on, I said,

“I will be near, and while she leans on Me,

This burden will be Mine, not hers;

So will I keep My child within the circling arms

Of My Own love.” Here lay it down, not fear

To impose it on a shoulder that upholds

The government of worlds. Yet closer come:

You are not near enough. I would embrace your care;

So I might feel My child reclining on My breast.

You love Me, I know. So then do not doubt;

But loving Me, lean hard.

That’s what I want to do, lay my failures and weaknesses at His feet and lean on His everlasting arms.