Goodbye 2013

When I first thought about 2013 coming to an end I thought, “Good riddance, 2013. Let’s move on as quickly as possible to 2014.” The pain, disappointment, and uncertainty of 2013 have left me a gun shy runner crawling on my hands and knees into a new year. Thus, my “goal” for the year was quite simple: I would like the baby growing in my stomach to somehow, in some way, come out this year. While I wish in some ways that the ticking of the clock at midnight would somehow work like tapping ruby slippers or wishing on a genie and all the problems of one year would automatically disappear with the start of the new one, the reality is that most everyone in the world will wake up in 2014 pretty much the same as they were the night before. Emotions, spiritual lessons, physical issues, and family relations don’t fit precisely in a year for the measure of time is of man’s design of which our lives don’t obey. I know we talk of resolutions and changes for the New Year, which is good, there is something to be said for starting over and trying again, but the truth is, we carry our burdens and pains with us. Yet, a new year provides us time to reflect on the year before and the lessons learned.

After just a few minutes of thought, I realized that 2013 wasn’t as terrible as I was choosing to remember. And even if it was, one of the biggest things I wanted to work on this year was thankfulness so I had better find something to be thankful for. In March I decided to start a thankfulness journal and have noted over a 1,000 things to be thankful for this year, whether that be a kiss from Silas, hearing my children laugh, tears with a friend, or even throwing up as that spoke of the life growing inside me. I was trying to learn to be thankful in any and every situation. I penned these words at the start of the journal, “I want to dare to live exactly where I am with joy and thankfulness, even though where I am may not be what I hoped it would be, the circumstances I wanted, or even vaguely resembling what I had planned it to be. I want to live in joy exactly where I am, trusting that His plan for me is better than anything I could dream up on my own.” When I wrote this, I remember feeling a bit dramatic, thinking of my life only vaguely resembling what I thought it should be, because honestly, my life had always resembled what I thought it would. Up until that point my plans and goals for life had happened. Sure there were bumps along the way but really I was living the life I had planned for myself.  I was a CMA missionary living in West Africa with my husband and three kids. Check, check, and check. I don’t mean to sound like I accomplished all my dreams on my own, because I didn’t, I truly believe the Lord had blessed me throughout my life and given me the desires of my heart. If I am brutally honest, I thought that I discerned well what the Lord wanted for me throughout life so what I wanted was what He wanted for me. Maybe that was the case, maybe not, but I can say that as I walk into 2014, my life only vaguely resembles what I had planned for myself, if at all. Despite that, I could find 500 things to be thankful for from July forward, once my plans began to unravel. And while I haven’t been terribly thankful the last two months, I wonder what state I would be in if the Lord hadn’t placed on my heart the desire to learn to be thankful in all circumstances this year. I look forward to continuing this journey of thankfulness in this year and the years to come.

So what am I thankful for when I look back at 2013?

I am thankful we survived it. It was a challenging year from beginning to end. I felt like most of the year was filled with miscommunication and misunderstandings, as if we were speaking to the deaf at Mandela’s funeral and we had the same translator who really couldn’t sign. So everything we said was received as mere hand motions of nonsense that were not understood by those who were trying to listen. I don’t think there has ever been a time where I tried as hard as 2013 for people to understand me or Brett. Yet, I learned that I must trust what the Lord says about me and what I know about myself and my family to be true and try not to listen to the words of man. Whether well intended or not, man is only man after all and cannot fully understand the thoughts of themselves, let alone others. So who I am, what I believe, and what I am called to rests only between me and the Lord so at the end of the day I have to make sure I am pleasing Him, regardless of what others may say or think. I wish in reality I could be as fully convinced of this as I sound writing it, but at least am I learning this lesson.

I am thankful for our time in Switzerland and France that we had this summer. It was a special trip for my family. The conference itself was good but it was the everything else that went with it that made it so special. It was a line in the sand trip for our family that will always be cherished. I got to see my boys conquer fears on high ropes or a gigantic slide. Brett and I had afternoons free to just be together, take walks and enjoy one another. It was a sweet time.

I am thankful for this life inside me. A totally unexpected surprise for us. I am thankful that it was a sweet blessing that began to shatter my understanding of my life and what it was to look like. I am thankful that we have a GIRL on the way and that the timing of this pregnancy and her life will always remind me of God’s faithfulness and of the rest and security I have in Him as my only safe haven.

I am thankful for beautiful friendships that flourished this year. Some were strengthened to such a degree that I know time and space will never affect the bond we have. Some were challenged and stretched, yet even still proved to be true. Two new families came to Mali with kids our boys’ ages. A prayer answered after 7 years. It was very sweet. Brett, for the first time, found a kindred spirit in a fellow teammate. The relationships with Malians also flourished and the bonds grew deep and true.

I am thankful that Brett’s depression has all but disappeared and that he ended the year, despite the difficulties, better than he has been since 2007. The Lord healed him at just the right time so that we could walk the hard road of being let go together. God’s faithfulness is so good.

I am thankful for being let go. It’s not what I wanted. It’s humbling and incredibly painful, but I am thankful. I see the Lord’s hand in it. I see how He is and will continue to grow us. I am thankful, as much as I don’t humanly like it, that my plans did unravel and that I have clear understanding that I am NOT in control of my life, He is. I am thankful that I can trust that His plans really are better than mine.

I am thankful for Mali and for the people who have forever changed my life. The staff at the hospital, the ladies I worked with, my neighbors, random people in the market. They are beautiful, wonderful people with a rich and welcoming culture and I am thankful to have experienced it. The love and support we received once we were let go was simply breath taking. These people know what it means to stand by your friends and support them, even if it means just sitting with you not speaking. The tears we shared are encouragement we received from them were blessings that I can never fully articulate. It was humbling to be loved so well by so many.

I am thankful that despite the circumstances that look daunting, the Lord has not released Mali from our hearts. Amidst all the difficulties, it was a year of confirmation for us that Mali is our home, whether or not that will continue, only the Lord knows, but for now, our home is Mali. When we were evacuated at the end of January because of unrest in the North, it was the boys’ words that rang out in my heart and spurred me to return. I kept thinking we were crazy to return, even though we felt safe, because I have kids who I needed to protect. But it was them who spoke of their longing to return and even as we were leaving spoke of how much they loved Mali and how lucky they felt that they could call Mali home. We made it through teaching the boys when the teachers and other students didn’t return after the evacuation. As I said above, we welcomed two new families and enjoyed the blessing of seeing our kids enjoying friendships. Brett finished the tennis court and enjoyed playing and teaching the boys and Malians. We saw new ministries springing up and opportunities to serve.  Our hearts were moved to different things and we were excited and energized for the new things ahead. Again, who knows what 2014 will bring, but for now, I am thankful to call Mali home, even though our physical bodies are currently removed from there for a time.

   

I guess 2013 wasn’t that bad at all. It was filled with hardships but His mercies proved new every morning.  As we walk into 2014, I am left with the lyrics of “Because He lives” that were sung at my grandmother’s memorial service just a few days ago.

Because He lives

I can face tomorrow

Because He lives

All fear is gone

Because I know

He holds the future

And life is worth the living

Just because He lives

How sweet to hold

A newborn baby

And feel the pride

And joy he gives

But greater still

The calm assurance

This child can face

Uncertain days

Just because He lives