To my daughter

You will arrive and join our family in a few short days. It is hard to believe yet we are so excited and cannot wait to meet you. As your brother Kenan says,  “Waiting is so frustrating” so you are welcome anytime! You have anxious brothers and parents waiting to meet you.

Until now we have been a family of boys. I have loved it. Your brothers are full of energy. Our house has been loud, messy and in constant motion. I often sit and watch your brothers and dad in amazement as they get involved in some activity like play fighting or talking about super heroes and I realize I don’t understand them at all. Boys are so different. I love it, but am truly excited that soon you will be by my side and we can stare together at them and try to make sense of them as they will do the same to us when we talk of hair and clothes or cry at a sweet moment in a movie.

I never thought I’d have you. I thought we were done. We were a family of five. I would always be the only girl. I believed it so much I got a female dog and gave her the name I was going to give a girl if I had had one. (Don’t worry, your name is different) You are a gift. An unexpected, precious and undeserved gift.

You have already taught me so much and you are still inside me.  Being a mom is wonderful yet without a doubt the hardest job in the world. Through your brothers, the Lord has taught me so much about myself, how to parent, what it means to be weak and how to fall on my knees begging for wisdom from the One who gives it generously to those who ask. You, my dear, have already changed my life. As I said before, we thought we were done.  I was living the life I had planned for myself but then on an early morning in July 2013, we found out you would be joining us. While excited, it struck me to my core because this was not my plan and what I had seen for our lives. But God in His infinite wisdom and sovereignty, gave you to us. “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” Proverbs 16:9 He has already used you to show me who really is in control and that I must leave my plans in His hands. This lesson has only continued as your dad and I have walked some incredibly hard days as our plans were torn apart this year. It is a hard lesson, but a good one, and you will always be a phsyical reminder to me of this truth. The Lord guides our steps.

You are coming into our lives at a very defining time for us. One day your dad and I talked about names and how we wanted your name to represent this time in our lives. We talked about how the Lord had been our refuge and strength during our time of struggle. I mentioned the name Haven to your dad and he said that was it, as if your name had been chosen for you. Psalm 43:2 says, “For you are God, my only safe haven.” He has been our haven, our place of safety and refuge and we pray that you will find Him to be the same for you. No matter where you are, what you do, the Lord is there waiting to cover you with His love. Your middle name is Elizabeth, like mine and my grandmother who passed away while you were still in my womb. I always loved Elizabeth and am happy that I get to pass it on to you.

You will also be called Sama, short for Yassama, which is Dogon for a daughter that follows many sons. When I found out I was pregnant with you I was so excited that I was finally going to fulfill my dream of having a baby born on Malian soil. But then circumstances didn’t allow and we are now in the US. Regardless of where you make your entrance, Mali will be a part of who you are. It is a part of us, where your family calls home. And so, our daughter who joins us after her brothers, your Malian name is Sama. I do pray that you will come to love Mali as we have and see it as home.

The MacLean family is making new beginnings this year. We are following in the words of Isaiah 43:18-19 “Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Many things will be new this year, yet you are the most precious and special gift we are receiving. Your life is a symbol of hope and new beginnings for us. We are so thankful. You are a gift. An incredible gift of grace from a loving Father of which we are so undeserving.  I cannot wait to hold you, my dear.

I love you.