I don't have a title

I know that when I go the devotions in the morning with all the staff and half the missionaries aren't there that something bad is happening with a patient. Today was one of those days. I noticed that the A/C for the OR wasn't running so there wasn't a surgery going on, but Brett was sitting there so it wasn't a peds case either. It was in fact a lady in labor. She actually was an HIV lady who we followed (not one of "my" ladies but one that Dan followed because she started coming before I was working with them) at the hospital. She came to all 9 prenatal visits. She was healthy and doing well. Sure, she had HIV, but she was faithfully taking her medicine, she was doing well. But a moment of ignorance cost her her life. She started laboring last night but because it wasn't progressing as fast as she or her family wanted, she took traditional medicine. Whatever they use is potent. It's like pitocin/oxytocin but much stronger so the labor rapidly progresses, often too fast for the baby and mother. This time it was no different. She went from 3 cm to all of the sudden being 10 cm and shot the baby out and then apparently had a stroke. So that's what all our missionaries were working on this morning- trying to save a woman's life. One ignorant mistake. How sad to see a woman just lying lifeless on the delivery bed. That bed is for bringing life INTO the world, not to take it out. There's a baby, but no mother. No mother to care for 4 children. A healthy woman dead because of ignorance. One stupid choice. It's so frustrating. It doesn't have to be that way. Why couldn't she have just been patient? So I watched her family come and grieve over her and take the body away. I showed them the baby boy that was on oxygen but doing well, laying alone in his crib without a mother around. I watched family and friends cry over the baby and then other members take them away to stop the crying. I have to remind myself, as do all the other missionaries, that we do make a difference. Lives are saved each day because of the hospital. Like my first real resuscitation last week with Brett. The baby didn't breathe for 10 minutes. We did CPR and were about to give up but then he finally took a breath. He went home with no problems. And then just yesterday I watched a lady whose baby was breech and the foot had already delivered be saved through a c-section. (If it wasn't too graphic of a picture, I would have taken it, but I tell you it is the weirdest thing to see a foot just sticking out of a woman's body). She had lost her last two babies. But because she came to our hospital, we were able to help and save her life and her baby. Otherwise, they would have just died. But still, the sting of watching a lady die a senseless death is hard to take. And as if this wasn't enough, moments later another woman passed away. She had come in the day before with high blood pressure. I think she had a stroke as well. She was never right but this morning just stopped breathing. So I watched her family come and cover her and take care of her body. I was just drawn to these families and watched them. I kept looking at the little baby with no one around him. I didn't do my job well this morning. I just kind of walked around looking at these families. I was shocked. Not over these cases alone, but because a lady I had talked to yesterday whom we diagnosed with HIV died in the night. She was sick, I'm sure she already had AIDS, but she wasn't THAT sick. We talked to her husband yesterday and told him that she was positive. This was actually a christian family. Not sure how she got HIV, maybe from a needle at some point in life, who knows, but she had it. Her husband, thankfully, tested negative. So yesterday we tell him his wife (who has 4 kids 8 and under) has HIV, he should be tested because he might have it. I saw the fear in his eyes and the urgency to have the test. Then he was relieved to know it was negative. But then just hours later, learns that his wife is dead. She just spiked a fever and within hours died. She was going to go home yesterday. I mean, she was sick, but like I said, not that sick. But she died. At least she gave her husband the gift of being honest with him and letting him know what she had which 95% of the women don't do. Now he can get his kids checked as well. Now he knows he is negative. Now he knows why his wife really died. This family more than most is also really challenging my views of HIV. I'm not going to lie I'm not great in my attitude toward them. Not in my actions, but in my inner core, I often feel subconsciously that they did this to themselves. Or at least I used to. Like even though they say they didn't sleep around (or used needles), I think they must have in order to get HIV. At least I felt that way in the States. This thought has changed more with working with ladies here because so often they are the victim of promiscuous men. But this family, I believe, were both faithful. They were Christians. I don't know how she got it. It is thought that a lot of people get it from places reusing needles. Who knows. That's just unfair. And regardless of how they get it, they are shunned if people find out. I often get so frustrated with the women because they refuse to tell their husbands. I think, you are just spreading the disease- help a little and at least tell your partner! But then I watched this lady today whom I have followed since she was 28 weeks pregnant and now has a 2 month old baby. She is skinny and in the pastor's office crying because now that her husband knows of her illness and knows he is negative, he is neglecting her and the baby. He won't help, he won't support her. She is relying on family for food and everything. So sad. No wonder they don't want to tell people. I know I'm slightly in a ramble here but I want to add this since it's been on my mind. I've been convicted lately of my attitude toward all the poor, but especially these women, in reading James 2. "My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism. Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet," have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? But you have insulted the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court? Are they not the ones who are slandering the noble name of him to whom you belong?" I want to see them as God sees them. I want to see the dirty kids that come up to me and try to touch us the way the Lord does. I want to honor these people and lift them up. One missionary told me once as we were surrounded by dirty sick kids that you have the mixed emotions of having pity on them and disgust to having being around them. I so often feel that way. But I don't want to. I don't want to give special attention (or any attention) to those who are cleaner and better dressed. I want to lift them up. I don't know how this all really looks in reality because for the sanity of life you couldn't talk and interact with every poor person on the street. You'd have millions at your door everyday if you did. But I just want to have a better attitude I guess- what people can't see. My inner thoughts. I want to truly love them, not feel disgust for them. I want to want to touch them, or at least be ok with touching them. I don't know. Brett often talks about how when Jesus said "Let the little children come to me" it must have been a one time thing to show as an example because if kids in Bible times were like kids in Mali, it would be a huge sacrifice to let them come to you and you couldn't do it all the time or you'd be overwhelmed. So who knows what this will all look like but more than anything, I want a change of heart. I want to love on my HIV women well. I want to be kind to everyone. I want to show the love of Christ with whom I come in contact.