A stage of life over

Two weeks ago I finished weaning Silas. I fed him longer than the others simply because I wasn't ready to be done with the baby stage in life. I started grieving the end of breastfeeding when Silas was around 9 or 10 months. Soon after, he became an on-demand feeder. Had he not been our last, this would have never happened. I continued to push back the weaning date but Brett finally encouraged me to do it as Silas is just too clingy and he needed some strings cut. Dropping the first feeding was the worst, as he was constantly pulling at my shirt. But we finally got through that and the last feeding was fairly anticlimactic. At least until I told Brett later that I had given my last feeding which followed with loads of tears. This is actually terrible, because moments earlier Brett was telling me of a little girl who had just died at the hospital. She had been there for two weeks, struggling with the sequela of malaria. Her father had stayed by her bed which is really rare. I wasn't very compassionate at all to the situation, saying the girl had never been well. But then we talk of me ending breastfeeding and I start to bawl. Terrible, I know. I think one thing I feared with ending of breastfeeding was that it was also the end of having a baby. That now because I was no longer giving him the breast, I couldn't be the best comforter. Silly, I know, since I am still his mom. But that was my fear. Thankfully, on the way home from Bamako to get my sister, Silas was crying in the car. No one could console him but me. Yes there are times that this fact fatigues me, but that day I was quite content and thankful to still have a baby who needed his mommy.

So now I am done with breastfeeding and down to only one kid in diapers! My boys are growing up!! We have no plans for another child EVER and Lord willing that will be the path we take. I do find myself, however, needing to hold the little newborns on rounds at the hospital each day. This will have to do for now to make sure I don't get the baby bug again.

Though I do miss breastfeeding, I must say there are real bonuses. I can eat whatever I want and drink whatever I want without considering another human being. From July 2004 until December 2009, there were only three weeks that I was NOT pregnant or breastfeeding. I always had to think of the baby inside or the baby I was feeding. I was always worried about making sure I was drinking enough water, esp here in Mali. Now I don't have to. I drink when I'm thirsty, no pressure. I have been drinking caffeine in the morning AND afternoon. That part is nice. I am enjoying having me back to myself. :)