The end of the MacLean five

We spent our last weekend as a family of five like many others before it. Saturday was beautiful so we were able to be outside some and enjoy the sunshine. It was nice to have a slow and restful weekend before our lives changed forever.

On the spur of the moment, I decided I wanted to do something with my boys, while it was still just "the boys." D requested a frozen yogurt place where you can add toppings so that's where we went. It was nothing special in and of itself but I hope I never forget the time I spent with them. It was as if time stood still for just a little bit and I was able to step back and look at each boy and store up all that they were in that moment in my heart. A sweet moment with my boys.

I have loved being a mom of boys and all that means. And while of course I am happy for our little girl who will change the dynamics of our family, I will always cherish the stage of life when it was just me and the boys.

To my daughter

You will arrive and join our family in a few short days. It is hard to believe yet we are so excited and cannot wait to meet you. As your brother Kenan says,  “Waiting is so frustrating” so you are welcome anytime! You have anxious brothers and parents waiting to meet you.

Until now we have been a family of boys. I have loved it. Your brothers are full of energy. Our house has been loud, messy and in constant motion. I often sit and watch your brothers and dad in amazement as they get involved in some activity like play fighting or talking about super heroes and I realize I don’t understand them at all. Boys are so different. I love it, but am truly excited that soon you will be by my side and we can stare together at them and try to make sense of them as they will do the same to us when we talk of hair and clothes or cry at a sweet moment in a movie.

I never thought I’d have you. I thought we were done. We were a family of five. I would always be the only girl. I believed it so much I got a female dog and gave her the name I was going to give a girl if I had had one. (Don’t worry, your name is different) You are a gift. An unexpected, precious and undeserved gift.

You have already taught me so much and you are still inside me.  Being a mom is wonderful yet without a doubt the hardest job in the world. Through your brothers, the Lord has taught me so much about myself, how to parent, what it means to be weak and how to fall on my knees begging for wisdom from the One who gives it generously to those who ask. You, my dear, have already changed my life. As I said before, we thought we were done.  I was living the life I had planned for myself but then on an early morning in July 2013, we found out you would be joining us. While excited, it struck me to my core because this was not my plan and what I had seen for our lives. But God in His infinite wisdom and sovereignty, gave you to us. “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” Proverbs 16:9 He has already used you to show me who really is in control and that I must leave my plans in His hands. This lesson has only continued as your dad and I have walked some incredibly hard days as our plans were torn apart this year. It is a hard lesson, but a good one, and you will always be a phsyical reminder to me of this truth. The Lord guides our steps.

You are coming into our lives at a very defining time for us. One day your dad and I talked about names and how we wanted your name to represent this time in our lives. We talked about how the Lord had been our refuge and strength during our time of struggle. I mentioned the name Haven to your dad and he said that was it, as if your name had been chosen for you. Psalm 43:2 says, “For you are God, my only safe haven.” He has been our haven, our place of safety and refuge and we pray that you will find Him to be the same for you. No matter where you are, what you do, the Lord is there waiting to cover you with His love. Your middle name is Elizabeth, like mine and my grandmother who passed away while you were still in my womb. I always loved Elizabeth and am happy that I get to pass it on to you.

You will also be called Sama, short for Yassama, which is Dogon for a daughter that follows many sons. When I found out I was pregnant with you I was so excited that I was finally going to fulfill my dream of having a baby born on Malian soil. But then circumstances didn’t allow and we are now in the US. Regardless of where you make your entrance, Mali will be a part of who you are. It is a part of us, where your family calls home. And so, our daughter who joins us after her brothers, your Malian name is Sama. I do pray that you will come to love Mali as we have and see it as home.

The MacLean family is making new beginnings this year. We are following in the words of Isaiah 43:18-19 “Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Many things will be new this year, yet you are the most precious and special gift we are receiving. Your life is a symbol of hope and new beginnings for us. We are so thankful. You are a gift. An incredible gift of grace from a loving Father of which we are so undeserving.  I cannot wait to hold you, my dear.

I love you.

On all these cold days

Though the boys have enjoyed the days of snow, they don't care for the cold weather on its own. Honestly, I'd have to agree. We were outside the other day on a reasonably cold day (in the 40s) and the boys were talking about this North Carolina weather, how sometimes it is nice and warm and other days are just cold. Dawson said that not all people can be as lucky as us to live in Mali, always be warm and always know what the weather is going to be like. :) 

Being in the house for days at a time lead us to various projects. One day, for some odd reason, we started baking cake from scratch. And then it became a competition between my mom and Silas' cake vs the cake of me, D and K. Then for decoration it was D and K vs me and Silas. They both made ninja zombies (I have no idea where this came from).

Silas making the face of his ninja.

Showing off their work

The decorations were, well, interesting. The cake itself didn't turn out well so they weren't great to eat but at least it occupied us for an afternoon.

Melting snow

I thoroughly enjoy the beauty of newly fallen snow that covers the ground and makes everything white. I love the cleanness, purity and peacefulness. There’s nothing like it. I also enjoy the landscape without snow, seeing the grass, maybe some flowers depending on the time of year, but I hate the days of melting snow.

When we recently experienced the rapid loss of snow I literally felt frustration and anger rise within me as I looked upon the once beautiful, covered land. It was ugly. Patches of snow, with wet, brown ground peering through. The once beautiful cleanliness was just a muddled mess, dirty and unsightly.

As I walked through that melting snow that was more mush than snow at that point, it hit me that this was the current state of my heart. A muddled, ugly mess. Maybe that’s why I had gotten so frustrated in the first place at the sight of it; I didn’t want to see the physical example of my emotional state. As the day wore on and most the snow had all but disappeared, I continued to ponder the snow and the natural melting of it. Snow must melt. Without melting, there would be no spring, no new growth. No flowers bursting forth to display their beauty. And as ugly as the process is from snow covered hills to the grass, leaves, and dirt below, it has to happen. It is a necessary evil.

My life was snow covered until recently. Things were in place, going as I would like. And while life wasn’t perfect by any means, I was pretty happy with it all. It was fairly clean and put in order, following the plans I had for us. But now, I am muddled. I am an ugly mess in the transition of life. There are days that are better and I think maybe all the snow has melted, but then something triggers the pains that I thought were through and I see the fields of white still covered as they have been shaded from the heat of the sun and I realize I’ve hardly begun the melting process.  There is a lot more ugliness to be had before spring arrives. Yet, I find hope in the thought that spring will indeed come and with it the fruits of new growth that have been nourished by the melting snow, regardless of how ugly and painful the process is. So I will continue to sit in melting snow, even though I really don’t like it, because I know the growth to come is worth it.

Snow day in Raleigh

Thankfully when we left TN we didn't leave the snow for the rest of the year. Raleigh got a couple inches the other week and the boys enjoyed playing once again. Of course, D enjoyed eating it. 

We didn't take the camera out the first time they went sledding so things had already started to melt. There was more than it looks, promise. :)

That would be my mom, folks, out sledding. I think she enjoys it more than the boys. :) She and Dawson were out for the longest time sledding.

LeGoLaNd

As seems to be the norm now, we made our way to Legoland while in Florida. The boys loved it. It is a great park, I must admit, and I would rather go there than Disney any day. Dawson also helped a bunch by finding free admission coupons for kids with the purchase of an adult ticket in a Lego magazine before we left. All three were free! 

Chima was new for them this year but has become their thing now. They are in love with it. This is one of the characters in the Chima show.

Driving practice to earn their license is always fun. Kenan was old enough to do it this time and we may have exaggerated the age of Silas just a bit to let him go as well. :)

I love parks like this because it allows you to catch pictures with your kids when they generally have happy faces. Probably one of my favorite parts of the park!

Just had to add this one to prove that I stuffed my pregnant body into this ride for my children. :)

Brett wanted the boys to ride a roller coaster. None of them were too thrilled about it, though Silas probably did the best. Dawson was white as a ghost when he got off. He never wants to ride again. :) At least I will have a buddy at the bottom, because pregnant or not, roller coasters are not my thing.

Another favorite part of going to these places is the face paint. Only Silas did it this year, but I love it.

                                      
There was this workshop area where you could build a robot lego alligator. Really neat. So they went through all the steps and added the motor to it and all. Then they could choose what sound the alligator would make.

Sometimes the alligators got out of hand. :)

Silas was supposed to be a spiderman or something like that but when we passed Darth Maul, we realized he really looked like him. :)
                                                     

 We made it through the whole day! It was so much fun!

Florida pictures

We left Tennessee in the snow, as another storm had blown through the night before our departure, and arrived in Florida. The boys were determined to swim and play at the beach, even though it was only in the 60s at best. 

We got to enjoy the home of Brett's mom's cousin as well in Naples. It was absolutely gorgeous there. There were tons of dolphins each morning. The boys also enjoyed the kayaks.

Dawson going solo

D and K together

Brett trying to stand...

It didn't work. 

Our last night there the sunset was simply amazing. One of the most beautiful I've seen in my life, I think. So bear with me as there are lots of pictures as the sky continued to get prettier and prettier.

 Dawson gave up just looking at the water and decided to swim one last time. The other two followed, at least for a few minutes, but D stayed for quite awhile.

The small black dot in the middle of the photo is D's head. (And it wasn't as deep as it looks, just in case you were wondering)

We managed to get one family picture, though we weren't together enough to do it earlier on when there was a bit more light.

We also stopped one night in Charleston during our travels to break up the trip for the boys. Despite the cold, it is always fun to go back to our old stomping ground and show the boys our old house and where D was born.

Being silly!