Where you go I will go

Where you go I will go. Dawson said this to me the other day with childlike faith that he will go with me wherever I go. Even to Mali. He will go with me anywhere simply because I will be there. He trusts me and wants to be where I am.

I am amazed when I think of this. Oh to have such faith with the Lord. Yes, Lord, I’ll go wherever you lead simply because that is where You are and I want to be with You. That’s my biggest requirement. To be where You are.

I always seem to have the same conflicting emotions as we prepare to head back to Mali. On one hand, I’m glad and ready to get back into the normal routine of life, even if that is in Mali. On the other hand, I struggle with leaving the American life behind. Seeing the boys play with friends. Having to decide which park of the 5 within two miles to go to rather than having two choices in Mali- the pool and daddy’s work. The convenience of being able to pick up food for the boys when you are running late. Playgrounds in restaurants. The grocery stores with absolutely everything you could ever possibly need or want. The ability to run to that grocery store when you are out of something instead of just going without because the nearest grocery store is 5 hrs away. Having kid friendly snacks and food available.

But even more than the things we don’t get to have is just being away from family and friends. It hurts me the most when I think of my kids and what they are missing out on. Having a “normal” life. It’s hard to hear your three year old tell you that he doesn’t want to go to Mali because it’s “no fun dere.” He just wants to stay with Grandma. How do you respond to that? I know he is just talking but still that hurts my heart. I don’t want to jeopardize my children and their well being by being in Mali as I do believe that my first calling is to my family. I want my kids to love being there (and in general they do and when I asked Kenan today if he wanted to go back, he did say yes). I want my kids to love the people, to share in the ministry and see how important it is for THEM to be there, not just their parents. I have to remind myself that their “normal” is not the normal I grew up with, but that’s ok because it is their normal. They don’t know any different. Often as parents we want certain things for our kids because we feel it is important or needed when in reality it is just what we think is important because that’s how we were raised. But my boys are raised in Mali and that is their home. Before coming to the States on furlough, I would say things like, “in two weeks, we will be home with Grandma and Papa” and finally Dawson said, “Mommy, why do you keep calling Grandma’s home? Koutiala is our home.” You are right, Dawson. It is your home. I think so often I fear their adjustment and life overseas and it’s just my problem and fears, nothing based on facts. Koutiala is their home. And I think that at least Dawson has some understanding of why we are there.

So as I ponder going back to Mali, I am reminded of several things. We don’t deserve anything. We don’t deserve an easy life. It is not our right to have family around the corner or friends for our kids. It’s not our right to have easy access to stores and parks. We are sinful people. We deserve death. But God in His grace gave His son for us. Christ gave his life. I shouldn’t expect to give any less. Brett talked in churches this summer about joy verse happiness. We often seek happiness when we really should be seeking joy which is found in the Lord. We are in the best place when we are where the Lord wants us, even when it’s hard to go back. But it’s hard to leave any vacation and get back to reality. But we must. When we were in Omaha at Christ Community Church, I was overwhelmed by the blessing that we have to serve in Mali. What a gift that the Lord has given us. Yes it has been hard. It’s been the hardest three years of my life. But what a blessing to be able to serve there. I’m thankful that the Lord placed that call on our lives. It is an honor and privilege to serve there. I often think of Acts 17:26-27 “From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us”. God determines where we are to live. He does this so that men will seek him and reach out and find him. He knows where we are to be. I find peace in that. It goes along with Psalm 16:5 “Lord you have assigned me my portion and my cup, you have made my lot secure.” My life is in his hands. One church we were at had questions for the kids to answer and one asked why the MacLeans were in Mali. I asked D and at first he said, "I don't know" but a few minutes later he said, "Because God loves us." He's right. We go because God loves us and we want to share that love with others. Now I'm sure he didn't fully understand what he was saying, I guess he's just heard me say that before and that we need to love the Malians, but it was great to hear. Out of the mouth of my 5 year old comes truth. We go because God loves us.

Sorry for the randomness of my thoughts, but that’s how I feel I guess at this point. My sinful human nature tries to tell me lies that we life is too hard there or that it’s dangerous/harmful for my kids or whatever. Then I must constantly reflect on the things that I know are true. God is good. My times are in His hands. He has called me to Mali. That is the best place for me. I always find it interesting that when we do get ready to head back, I feel like everything I read or sing or hear in church is speaking to me and the need to go back. I must surrender, give my life, lay my kids on the altar and trust Him. I must say to the Lord as Dawson said to me, “where you will go, I will go.”

So as I close this post of my unorganized thoughts, here are two songs that I’ve been thinking a lot about.

“If you want me to” by Ginny Owens (only part of the song)

No I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that’s not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’ll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness
If You want me to

This next song has been played in so many churches we’ve been in while home and each time it brings me to tears. Our God is mighty to save. He is the hope of nations. He does take me- all my fears and failures and by his grace, uses me, if I am willing to give myself to Him. He is good.

“Mighty to Save” Hillsong

Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus
My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.