The problem of fear

So this morning I read on facebook that one of our missionary friends, Mary, found and caught (with the help of Malians) a mamba snake. This is a 2-3 meter snake. Venomous, thus, dangerous. This was on our mission property where we go all the time and the kids play. This is how my thought process went this morning.

When I saw the note: “Oh, Mary found a snake. Wow.”

When I got to work and saw Jake and Jessica hiding the fact that they were talking about the snake, I said, “No, I’m better about this now. God has taught me a lot about fear.” I meant it. He has. Psalm 16:5 has been huge to me “Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup.” It’s in His hands.

Then I went down to our office and started looking up snakes. Reading about which ones were the worst and so forth. This is the season of snakes because the rain is here and people are plowing in the fields. Why I started reading about them, I don’t know. I knew it wasn’t good for me. Then I spent the next hour or so, thinking about that picture of the snake and just feeling fear creep into my body. It’s amazing to me how only moments earlier I was confident that life was in His hands and I didn’t need to worry.

Now I can remind myself of the many things that should make me feel better. Snakes are more often in the fields and far out places, not in town. This snake was really rare here. There is anti-venom for most of them. People have lived for years without snake bites. The only time I’ve ever come in contact with a dangerous animal was in West Virigina- when we hit a bear with the car. That wasn’t in Africa, that was America. Etc etc etc. But really, these are just words. They don’t get to the heart of the matter. The truth is that God is in control. My life and the life of my children are in His hands. Whatever He wills I trust will work out for the good. Not work for my happiness, comfort, ease of life, but for my good- what brings me to the foot of my Savior. I can look and say that the worst thing that could happen would be to lose Brett or the boys. I am confident that even then God will be with me. Yes it would be terrible and yucky and unbelievable, but God would be there. I can’t worry about what might happen. I can’t worry about tomorrow. Worry doesn’t change anything, it just makes me miserable. So as I did when I came home today and will have to do a gazillion times in the near future, I lay it down at the feet of Jesus. My family is in His hands. So yes I’m obviously not done with my lesson in fear but I thank God that He is making steps in me little by little.

Where you go I will go

Where you go I will go. Dawson said this to me the other day with childlike faith that he will go with me wherever I go. Even to Mali. He will go with me anywhere simply because I will be there. He trusts me and wants to be where I am.

I am amazed when I think of this. Oh to have such faith with the Lord. Yes, Lord, I’ll go wherever you lead simply because that is where You are and I want to be with You. That’s my biggest requirement. To be where You are.

I always seem to have the same conflicting emotions as we prepare to head back to Mali. On one hand, I’m glad and ready to get back into the normal routine of life, even if that is in Mali. On the other hand, I struggle with leaving the American life behind. Seeing the boys play with friends. Having to decide which park of the 5 within two miles to go to rather than having two choices in Mali- the pool and daddy’s work. The convenience of being able to pick up food for the boys when you are running late. Playgrounds in restaurants. The grocery stores with absolutely everything you could ever possibly need or want. The ability to run to that grocery store when you are out of something instead of just going without because the nearest grocery store is 5 hrs away. Having kid friendly snacks and food available.

But even more than the things we don’t get to have is just being away from family and friends. It hurts me the most when I think of my kids and what they are missing out on. Having a “normal” life. It’s hard to hear your three year old tell you that he doesn’t want to go to Mali because it’s “no fun dere.” He just wants to stay with Grandma. How do you respond to that? I know he is just talking but still that hurts my heart. I don’t want to jeopardize my children and their well being by being in Mali as I do believe that my first calling is to my family. I want my kids to love being there (and in general they do and when I asked Kenan today if he wanted to go back, he did say yes). I want my kids to love the people, to share in the ministry and see how important it is for THEM to be there, not just their parents. I have to remind myself that their “normal” is not the normal I grew up with, but that’s ok because it is their normal. They don’t know any different. Often as parents we want certain things for our kids because we feel it is important or needed when in reality it is just what we think is important because that’s how we were raised. But my boys are raised in Mali and that is their home. Before coming to the States on furlough, I would say things like, “in two weeks, we will be home with Grandma and Papa” and finally Dawson said, “Mommy, why do you keep calling Grandma’s home? Koutiala is our home.” You are right, Dawson. It is your home. I think so often I fear their adjustment and life overseas and it’s just my problem and fears, nothing based on facts. Koutiala is their home. And I think that at least Dawson has some understanding of why we are there.

So as I ponder going back to Mali, I am reminded of several things. We don’t deserve anything. We don’t deserve an easy life. It is not our right to have family around the corner or friends for our kids. It’s not our right to have easy access to stores and parks. We are sinful people. We deserve death. But God in His grace gave His son for us. Christ gave his life. I shouldn’t expect to give any less. Brett talked in churches this summer about joy verse happiness. We often seek happiness when we really should be seeking joy which is found in the Lord. We are in the best place when we are where the Lord wants us, even when it’s hard to go back. But it’s hard to leave any vacation and get back to reality. But we must. When we were in Omaha at Christ Community Church, I was overwhelmed by the blessing that we have to serve in Mali. What a gift that the Lord has given us. Yes it has been hard. It’s been the hardest three years of my life. But what a blessing to be able to serve there. I’m thankful that the Lord placed that call on our lives. It is an honor and privilege to serve there. I often think of Acts 17:26-27 “From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us”. God determines where we are to live. He does this so that men will seek him and reach out and find him. He knows where we are to be. I find peace in that. It goes along with Psalm 16:5 “Lord you have assigned me my portion and my cup, you have made my lot secure.” My life is in his hands. One church we were at had questions for the kids to answer and one asked why the MacLeans were in Mali. I asked D and at first he said, "I don't know" but a few minutes later he said, "Because God loves us." He's right. We go because God loves us and we want to share that love with others. Now I'm sure he didn't fully understand what he was saying, I guess he's just heard me say that before and that we need to love the Malians, but it was great to hear. Out of the mouth of my 5 year old comes truth. We go because God loves us.

Sorry for the randomness of my thoughts, but that’s how I feel I guess at this point. My sinful human nature tries to tell me lies that we life is too hard there or that it’s dangerous/harmful for my kids or whatever. Then I must constantly reflect on the things that I know are true. God is good. My times are in His hands. He has called me to Mali. That is the best place for me. I always find it interesting that when we do get ready to head back, I feel like everything I read or sing or hear in church is speaking to me and the need to go back. I must surrender, give my life, lay my kids on the altar and trust Him. I must say to the Lord as Dawson said to me, “where you will go, I will go.”

So as I close this post of my unorganized thoughts, here are two songs that I’ve been thinking a lot about.

“If you want me to” by Ginny Owens (only part of the song)

No I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that’s not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’ll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness
If You want me to

This next song has been played in so many churches we’ve been in while home and each time it brings me to tears. Our God is mighty to save. He is the hope of nations. He does take me- all my fears and failures and by his grace, uses me, if I am willing to give myself to Him. He is good.

“Mighty to Save” Hillsong

Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus
My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

Lake and UNC visit

These are late and out of order, but I wanted to post them nonetheless.

We got to go to my uncle's lake house over Memorial Day weekend. It used to be my grandparents' house and we grew up going there so it is a special place for me. I love going there. It's beautiful and full of wonderful memories. We only got to stay a day but it was still great and special.

Here are the boys who got up bright and early. I told my uncle that they couldn't go on a boat ride until everyone was up. I have this vivid memory as a child of all the cousins going on a ride in the morning but me because I had slept in. I woke just after they left and since there were no cell phones back then, no one could come back. Well, that day they went to the dam which is really far away. They were gone for hours, or at least that's what I remember. I never went to the dam in my life. Now I'm sure it's not that fantastic or anything but still. So in order to prevent any lasting memories for my children of being left behind, there were no rides until all were up! :) Silly, I know.

this was the fisherman. he loved fishing with Grandma.

and Grandma loved fishing with him.

Dawson preferred quick fishing. Didn't quite have the patience as Kenan. Thankfully, the fish were biting and you could fish quickly...even though that kind of goes against the idea of fishing.

It was cold (probably no cooler than low 80s, high 70s) but that called for hot chocolate.

On the way home we stopped at Kenan's namesake at UNC. Here he is with the K on the gate at the stadium. Silas refused to move.

Sweet brothers on one side, the other minding his own business.

One day he won't look so tiny.

Daddy and his boy

A family shot with really hot boys

This is our Carolina boy. He is a tarheel born and bred.

This one is not. So my dear Aunt Trisha taught Kenan the first weekend home to say " Go Duke" and since then he has been hooked. He always comes up to my mom when he wants something and says " Go Duke....Grandma, me want...." :) Anyway, so we were at UNC trying to get Kenan a new shirt for pictures. All he wanted was a "goDuke" shirt. In the middle of the UNC bookstore " I want a shirt that says " Go Duke!"" I just wanted that kid to be quiet. It was terrible. We tried dark blue shirts- anything but he always asked what it said. So we ended up finally with a Green Eggs and Ham shirt with only the little bit of Carolina on it. He didn't really ask if it said Carolina or maybe we just avoided the question. Regardless, we got him in it. We took pictures. Then we pulled out of UNC. Just a minute down the road, he showed us really how really felt about UNC.

The shirt was so stained that it was in OxyClean for over 24 hrs. So whenever he decides to wear it again (which he has only refused) it is clean and ready. I have a feeling, though, that it will be Silas' shirt. Hopefully he'll be faithful.

Holden Beach 2010

As mentioned in my last post, we went to Holden Beach this past week. We tried family pictures. My boys aren't the best at taking pictures, so this is about as good as it got. I'll post more pictures another day. But we had a fun time and I wanted to remember some of the moments.

Trying to take family pictures and ending up in the water in hopes that we could get a MacLean photo. Didn't happen despite being in the water.

Watching the world cup- US losing on the day of our arrival. Watching Ghana lose so sadly to Uraguay.

Kenan trying to kiss Zachary all the time because they had just arrived a few days earlier and then we had left to visit friends so they had only seen each other 2 days. Kenan told me on one of the last days as we were walking home from the beach, "Zacky said me can't kiss him all the time because he not like it." I told him I loved his kisses and he could kiss me whenever. He immediately started kissing my arm....then a few seconds later he was kissing the back of my leg.

Sitting on the porch with the family one evening and then watching a boy sneak out of a girl's window onto the second story roof. Still don't know how he got off but boy did we want to ask the next day. The girl was in trouble so I guess her parents found out.

Dawson and Kenan boogie boarding.

The boys' conversations- discussing whether the tooth fairy flew or walked.

Zach had something on his eyelid. Dawson looks at him and says, "is it a booger? because sometimes I have a booger and when I go to throw it away it won't come off so I shake and shake my hand and then the booger flies off and lands on my eye...it happens."

Kenan asking Zachary- "is duke cool or Carolina?"

Z: I say go Duke, Duke is better than Carolina.

Dawson: I like Carolina. I watched Carolina with my daddy and I think they won.

K: Gocarolina wuzes. Goduke wins.

***for all you UNC fans, yes this is a sad thing, esp with a name like Kenan. But alas, it is the truth. I will post on this as well one day***

Silas and Shelby Grace playing. SG always calling him to come with her. "Siwus!"

Swimming with Dawson. I usually don't swim in the ocean. As my mom and Trisha said, this was the most I had been in the ocean in years. But kids make you do things you wouldn't do normally. And it was fun.

Kenan chasing me on the beach. He loved the beach. He had so much fun.

Boys playing superheros. Brett being torpedoman among others. Kenan was bad aquaman.

Waking early with Silas and walking on the beach to watch the sunrise. (he woke between 5:30-5:45 everyday and since it was a full house, we couldn't let him cry it out. I must say, I get a whole lot less annoyed to be woken early when it is at the beach...if only Koutiala looked like that! :))

On a cold morning with Silas, he wanted to be in my jacket so I zipped him up into it and we just walked on the beach. Sweet.

The impromptu dance party on the carport with the cousins. Kenan is a hilarious dancer...and so is mom, apparently, since Zach told her, "Grandma, that's not cool!"(not that his moves were either..).

Getting to spend special time with each of my boys, even Brett. We walked each night which was sweet.

Enjoying being with family. Laughing. Having fun. Having sand ball fights with mom and Kenan. Just talking and being together.

It was a great week!

Something missing

We just returned from Holden Beach with my family (MacLeans, my parents, my sister and her family, and Aunt Trisha). It was a good week overall. It was the first time we all went to the beach since my uncle John died. We've been going to the beach with them for years. We all wondered how this week would go. Though we didn't sit around and have long conversations about John, we spoke of him often and thought of him even more. I know daily he was on my mind. There was definitely something- someone- missing this year. I find processing a death is hard when living overseas because you are used to not seeing the person and thus can trick yourself into thinking they are still around. You can't when you walk into their house and they aren't there. Or see his garden and know he is no longer there to take pictures of the vegetables' growth week by week. Or go to the beach like you always did with them and they not be there. So I felt the need to write a few things out that I thought of this week.

I missed his laugh. I missed watching Trisha laugh with him.

I missed him taking pictures of everything- the "castles" the kids made, the sand shark the boy caught who was fishing right where we were swimming, the jellyfish in the trash can, the sunsets, games, smiles, food, himself, whatever might have caught his eye. And if he took a picture of me- he'd come over and make sure I approved it for his blog since he had in the past posted terrible pictures of me which I told him he had to remove and he did. So from then on, he always checked with me.

I missed him asking us to play something- volleyball, or bocce, or frisbee, or badminton, or trivial pursuit (which I would NOT have played since I stink at it).

I missed watching him swim with Trisha in the late afternoons.

I missed watching him ride on the boogie board.

I missed his silly jokes.

I missed hearing "I'm on vacation" as he would say all week and Trisha said began from the moment he walked in from work on Friday afternoon before the beach.

I missed him praying for meals.

I missed his smile.

I missed John.

Charleston

The last month or so we have been on the road visiting different places. In May, on the way back to Raleigh from Florida, we stopped in Charleston. It was so GREAT to be back there and see all our friends and go to church. We were encouraged and blessed by the visit.

Each of our boys are named for family and a place that is special to us. Dawson's middle name is Cooper, for the Cooper River in Charleston. He got a kick out of being there and going over the river all the time. Kenan wanted to be Kenan Cooper all weekend as well. :) But we really enjoyed getting to take him back to his namesake. (The other two have been to their namesake as well and pics will follow, at least for Kenan. no pics for Silas- oops...next time) :)

Dawson decided to take over driving.

Our special friends the Vaughans. Ezra, Kate, Caleb, S, K, D, Marie.

The last day we went downtown where Brett and I lived. We visited waterfront park. Silas got a kick out of the water. I love that I have about the same pictures of the other boys at the same age.

This is our family in 2006 before we left for France...

The family now in 2010.

Kenan was sick this day so wasn't really into picture taking, but the other two enjoyed it.

We got to eat lunch at one of our favorite places, Gilroy's. Then we just happened to pass one of our favorite places for dessert, Carolina's. It's a brittle basket. FANTASTIC. Brett's dad even brought me one in the hospital right after I had Dawson. It's a pecan brittle basket with vanilla ice cream, covered in fruit and hot chocolate sauce.

What made the day even better was getting to spend it with Jessica. She lives in Mali but has been on home assignment this whole year. So it was great to see her and show her around. Even greater knowing when we said goodbye it was only for 2 months this time. We will all be back in Mali in July!

Quotes for me to remember

I know most of you don't care to hear what the boys say, but these are for me so that I remember them.

The other night I was laying with Dawson and was telling him how much I loved him and that I was glad God gave him to me. He then told me he was thankful God gave me to him. I said we should pray and thank God for each other. I started praying and thanked the Lord for giving me Dawson. I thought I would continue and say thanks for giving us each other. Instead, Dawson chimes in and prays (which he doesn't do often) and thanks God for giving me to him. So precious. It made my night. Maybe my week.

He has also been telling me lately, "I love you to heaven and back!" Again, how sweet.

I love that he will tell me he loves me, even when I know he's just repeating what I say. To test this, I said, "I'm so glad for you... I'm thankful for you.... you are special..." and he repeated each statement back to me...even when I said. "you are a boy." :) He realized it as he was saying it, but it was funny nonetheless. I'll take the compliments even if he's just repeating me. :)